By the time you read this article, you’ll be so full of holiday cheer that your next drug test will confirm tinsel in your urine. But while we’re still hanging onto the back of Santa’s sleigh (because airlines are too expensive), allow me to vent some frustration regarding one of Christmas’ most sacred of attributes: the carol. Millions of people sing them, yet they don’t even know what they’re saying. Seriously, when was the last time you ate figgy pudding, or rang bells on bobtail, or played with your little drummer boy? Don’t answer that. So I will now translate some of our favorite Christmas songs for you. Sorry it’s so late in the season; I’ve been busy with Chanukah.
1. “Frosty the Snowman”
An important lesson: Teaching children at a young age the dangers of UV rays. And no matter how much thumpity-thumping you do, the sun can melt your best friend.
2. “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town”
If there was ever a song to keep kids in check, it’s this one. I feel like it was written by my mother. Children, watch out, don’t cry, don’t pout, because there’s a guy watching you at all times making sure you’re behaving, and if not—NO TOYS. In kid world, that is equivalent to a life sentence in a Turkish prison. Oh, and thanks for the nightmares. There’s nothing like the image of a snowy bearded geezer watching me sleep to put me in a shrink’s office.
3. “Baby It’s Cold Outside”
We learn very early on that “No means no,” yet the guy in this song can’t get the hint. No matter how cold, snowy, or slippery it is outside, this chick wants to bounce. I have a feeling if this song was written in present day, it would end with a severe tazing.
4. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Hey, if your mom’s going to cheat on your dad, let it be with St. Nick. Think about that deal. You’ll reside in a candy-coated mansion and live on cookies. Plus, you’re guaranteed to get some serious action when you pick your prom date up in a magic sleigh.
5. “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”
This lesson is simple: Kids with acne have magical powers.
6. “The 12 Days of Christmas”
Aside from no one remembering nights nine through 12, it’s a pretty straightforward song. Some lady has a loaded husband who spoils her with the most random gifts ever, including birds, music and freshly squirted milk. But like most women, she loves jewelry, and of course, it’s the most prominent line in the song. Typical.
7. “Dominick the Donkey”
Santa has a huge gig, and sometimes he has to employ seasonal help. Thus we meet Dominick the Italian Christmas Donkey, a character who spreads muletide by helping Santa deliver toys to children all over Italy. After a long night of gift giving, chimney dropping and cookie eating, it’s nice to stare at a sweet ass.
8. “Deck the Halls”
This is the official Pride holiday anthem. You’re decking halls, following in merry measure, donning gay apparel. All you’re missing is hailing the new ye lads and—wait a minute, it’s in there! The only thing left is a remix and it could be featured on Now That’s What I Call Fire Island Christmas Music Volume 1!
9. “Santa Baby”
Although you might see Santa as a jolly old asexual, I think he leaves himself open for flirtation. In this song, the most high-maintenance woman this side of Lisa Vanderpump tugs on his naughty list, asking Santa for everything from a ring to a yacht to a ’54 convertible. All this while Mrs. Claus is stuck at home ironing her red muumuu.
10. “Silver Bells”
I’ve lived in New York City most of my life, and the closest thing I’ve come to seeing silver bells is a naked Tin Man in Times Square. We don’t have shoppers, we have barbarians; the lights are completely overwhelming, and I would be able to hear the snow crunch if it didn’t instantly turn into chocolate pudding. But please feel free to come on by—the pizza is wonderful.
So happy holiday singing to all. But remember, the next time you’re spreading musical joy to friends and family, research the lyrics first. Because a good tiding could very well lead to a place on the naughty list: You and Alec Baldwin.