Oops. Kanye, you maybe had some questionable decisions last night. That’s tough. Everybody makes mistakes, though. And, we’d like to take this opportunity to help you learn from yours. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on your backwards, racist, egomaniacal horse.
If you’re not Kanye, and you’re not sure what we’re talking about, you can watch his ill-advised antics in the embedded video below.
Offer constructive criticism
While it may be true that Beyonce’s video was excellent (especially if one considers all the internet hilarity fallout it spawned), it is neither helpful or polite to Taylor Swift to point out that her video may have come up lacking. A more gentlemanly route would have been to suggest ways that she could improve future videos.
KW: Taylor, while I do appreciate what you’ve done in your career, and specifically in your now award-winning video, I think your future videos would benefit from having more ass-shaking.
TS: I appreciate your advice and will strongly consider shaking my own ass and having others shake theirs in upcoming videos.
Everybody is a winner.
Discretion is paramount
Kanye, even if you’d offered your advice in the idyllic, ass-shaking way outlined conveniently above, the most opportune time to offer that advice is well after Taylor Swift had left the stage. On stage, in front of her family, the nation, and the majority of the musical industry, is an imperfect place to freeze and then subsequently crush a young girls heart-shaped dreams. That’s best left for the after party. Which, after all, is a place you’re well-accustomed to
hob nobbing ruining.
Remove your sunglasses indoors
While we understand that there is a certain fashion component to the VMAs, and especially to pretty much everything you do, Mr. West, it is impolite to wear sunglasses indoors especially when you’re addressing somebody. It sets up a barrier between you and the addressee and suggests that you’re “better than” in some way. It also preempts any chance of eye contact, which is the least one could offer when driving an ironically luxury branded non-luxury sneaker through the aspirations of a young singer-songwriter.
Avoid public intoxication
We understand that it’s an award show and that it’s cause for celebration, but Kanye, we entreat you to take everything in moderation. As the picture above so clearly illustrates, you were most of the way through your own bottle of liquor. Not only is it bad form to quaff so much so quickly as you won’t be able to truly savor a finely-crafted distillate, but it leads to the sort of drunken tomfoolery making you so negatively famous today. A good rule of thumb is one drink per hour to be matched with a tall glass of water. Another rule of thumb is “don’t get wasted and make fun of teenage girls on live television.
Own up to indiscretions
We read your blog post about your veiled regret and your unflagging assertion that, despite the award to the contrary, Beyonce’s video was the “best of the decade.” Unfortunately, there was no mention of how or why you decided that it would be gentlemanly to mount the stage and make a gigantic spectacle of yourself. We’re still waiting on a heartfelt apology, Kanye, but somehow, we don’t think you’ll let anybody “tell you nothing.”