For the benefit of all men — but especially Joaquin Phoenix — we polled 20 twenty-something hotties for their uncensored opinions on that stuff sprouting, Chia Pet-like, out of your not-so-ugly mug. We are all for individuality, but if you’re undecided on what look to favor, read ’em and weep. Then click here.
Comments: “Totally sexy in that dirty, just do what you want to me kinda way.” –Annamarie
“Facial hair on a man is like a Monet painting: it only looks good from far away.” –Robin
Verdict: Beards aren’t just for the homeless anymore. Keep that mug warm this winter by setting down the razor and picking up a flannel. Be sure to trim every couple of days to keep your fur under control. Too bushy, like ZZ Top, and no one will notice you’re a sharp-dressed man.
Comment: “He looks like he is waiting for your kids to get off the school bus.” –Emily
Verdict: No one likes getting rug burn during a make out session. Whoever thought accentuating their mouth with a goat-like tuft was a good idea, was oh-so mistaken. The ladies have spoken: the goatee has got to go.
Comment: “There are only three instances when a mustache is socially acceptable after 1995: 1-As a joke 2-As a costume 3-Super Troopers.” — Michelle
Verdict: Mad creepiness. What are men with mustaches trying to accomplish, exactly? It is as if they are preparing for a widespread nostril invasion. Whatever it is, it certainly isn’t getting laid. (Editor’s note: Unless you are doing it for Movember.)
Comment: “Let’s step out of the 1800’s when people looked to Ambrose Burnside for fashion advice.” – Mollie
Verdict: Only cool if you are playing Wolverine in a major blockbuster.
Comment: “Perfection.” – Michaela
Verdict: Ladies like. With a tinge of bad boy and a pinch of sexiness, we are yours for the taking. But one warning: not all guys can pull it off. If you can’t grow facial hair evenly see bottom of page.
Style: Soul Patch aka Flavor Saver aka Womb Broom aka Oppostache
Comment: “The soul patch definitely needs to be retired, just like that infamous mullet!” – Michelle
Verdict: Remember that episode of Jackass when they tricked that poor unsuspecting fellow into gluing pubes all over his face? So do we. Leave the snatch patch to the ladies. And youth pastors.
Comment: “If I have to shave my entire body surface, the least the guys could do is have a fresh shave.” – Kourtney
Verdict: You can never go wrong with a fresh, clean shave. Most women prefer their guys to have the least amount of facial hair possible for a mammal. Why? We don’t know, but it certainly feels much nicer between our thighs.