Oh yes, the college years – praised as at-long-last experimentation of the full blown, individual personality that’s been dying to escape its parental censorship. Some go wild for it, abandoning all sense and sleeping with whomever. Some go to the library. Some join the college church. Whatever the case, it seems at least half the college population gets mixed up in the wrong crowd, dissatisfied by second semester, dropping out, and drinking for breakfast.
Maybe that’s because these budding adults chose their majors based on their ambitious futures rather than the gray reality of their present personalities. “Know your roll,” – The Rock. We know that parents say that’s the best way – build a new personality to fit the business pitch. But we say – they’re only paying for university. You’re the one who has to live through it. Assess your personality. Where do you fit? First, find your chosen people.
Option A. Jocks
(Sports include: Basketball, Baseball, Football, Soccer)
For the men who like microscopic gym shorts, locker room politics, and participating in a gang of exceedingly muscular, masculinity (no, this isn’t prison) – This is the personality most compatible with becoming a Jock (and..well…prison). To be a jock, you must overturn your current lifestyle and willingly adapt to a very weird schedule. Off season, it’s beer, bitches and getting baked. On season, it’s some beer, less bitches and playing ball. If you don’t mind wearing skimpy elastic situations in exchange for the whole ‘me-and-my-boys’ motto, a sports major will suit you up splendidly. If you’re into getting emotionally reamed (i.e getting called a pussy, receiving titty twisters, etc.) and yearn badly enough for big-chested cheerleaders to endure smashing cans against your forehead, do it. Also, prepare to start using the phrase ‘Do It!’ a lot (Natty Ice in hand).
Option B. Business
(Majors include: Sales, Marketing, Management, Economics)
These folks transitioned from teacher’s pet to slightly snide, subtly (sometimes not so subtly) indignant student who scoff behind the college professor’s back, because his ideas (thinks the business major) function and perform better than his professor’s. Polite people call them ‘go-getters.’ We call them hyper-competitive douchebuckets. For those who enjoy pitching themselves ahead of the group, talking almost constantly, strategizing 5 and 10-year plans as though they were simple logic problems, for those who have an answer for every damn thing – there is the business major. Not to mention, there’s “The Apprentice,” which is most likely their favorite television investment and one of the only activities chosen for actual fun. Note: They also most likely call t.v. episodes ‘time investments.’
Option C. Art
(Art includes: Visual Art, Photography, Sculpture, Performance Art)
You’ve seen them – the kids sporting intensely creative haircuts (i.e one side shaven, the other long) and a thousand rubber bracelets whose deep meanings are differentiated by color. You know, the kids who sprawl out on the lawn smoking cigarettes, reviewing proof sheets and talking about the variety and mood orientation of light patterns? Often, they’ll ask their professors to move class to the outdoors so that they may be better stimulated by the natural world (though a fair share of them only want to continue chain smoking through sculpture class).
The art students make scarce appearances at school-wide parties, usually stopping by to sarcastically glower, smoke, stand in the corner and leave. Generally they attend their own parties, wherein they snag the label of an incestual bunch for making out with repeated hook ups or past hook ups best friends – because, they say, they only respect each other. It’s lucky, too, because they’re as unlikely to win respect from outsiders as they are to offer it up. Unless you’re one of the gang, art kids won’t offer you up much save a dead pan, degrading stare. Or one of their original oils for $900.
Option D. Music
(Joining the College Band)
Most of these boys read Lord of the Flies as children, but were consistently kicked out of the clubhouse gang’s reenactment on the playground. Their corresponding solution to an inability at sports and a vague, social anxiety was the oboe. By playing an instrument, they founded pathways to larger communities (larger than video games) and began to enjoy the festive parading around and, particularly, the uniforms. For obscure instrumentalists who don’t quite manage the cut of ‘cool kid musician’ (i.e guitarists, wavy haired drummers, electric bassists), the college band and music major is essentially as fitting as their grandmother’s gift of personally crafted Christmas sweater (dutifully worn by sympathetic college band boys).
Option E. Math & Science
(For The Clever Sort)
The modern spin on the old school math & science ‘nerd,’ is the new, math & science love interest. Thanks to shows like Beauty and The Geek and actors like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, those enthralled with figures, numbers and theories have surfaced as an endearing alternative to the aforementioned bassists and beer-swilling boys. The math and science crew consists of ingenious, introverted, scrawny looking boys with coke bottle glasses who pride themselves on following the straight and narrow.
This means no hard drugs, no streaking through the courtyard and better yet, a snide dissertation on the stupidities of modern youth whenever someone does engage in such ‘immature socializing rituals.’ Math and science students often use obscure sentence structures and vocabulary choices in order to affirm their superior standing against the remaining human race. If you get turned on by algebraic equations, postulates, molecular theories and microscopes, enjoy intellectual elitism and shy, waspish, vintage clad chicks – punch some numbers. Math’s a party (…?)
Option F. Everything Else
(The Grab Bag of College Majors: Construction, Landscaping, Fire Science, Police Work)
Online surveys intending to assist confused, ambitious youths in their selection of a college major call this category an address of ‘The Realistic Type.’ What they essentially mean is average. This targets the men with enough muscle to dig a trench but not enough to withstand a tackle, the men with enough brains to build a raft in home recreation class, but not enough to be Donald Trump. This sort prides themselves on being ‘down-to-earth,’ sensible and handy. It’s their way of turning their semi-tragic mediocrity into highly useful, common abilities beneficial to people who are also capable, but too busy or lazy to do it themselves. Those who enlist in such practical majors intend to lead a life of ‘serving the people,’ and openly criticize luxury, fame and anything other than soil, semi-submissive women and things maneuverable by hand. (Note: Most ‘realistic types’ have very, very strong hands.
THE LAST RESORT: Double Majors
1. Major Theatre/ Minor Business
This path is taken by the child raised by one parent appreciating of the arts and another condemning of anything but money. This double major candidate stands apart from the pure theatre majors in their half-troubled expressions and heavy text books. The worried attitude results from constantly badgering their brain with the question of how to make a profit off of a primarily penniless passion and what monologue they’ll memorize to audition for Pippin.
2. Major Law/ Minor History
Arguably more ambitious than the straight forward law student, this double major dude digs his facts. He will often reference strange, marginally historical battles when tagging along to bars and attempt to logically persuade a woman into giving it up, rather than going for it. Lastly, he is most commonly marked by a habit of laughing at his (usually unfunny) jokes and sobersidedly dissecting others’.
3. Major Psychology/ Minor Philosophy
These guys are too much and they know it. More than that, they love it. Using any moment as an apt time to discuss the personal, private habits of their friends and deflecting their own insufficiencies, the psych/philosophy major may never get laid unless drunk and in the company of an impressionable (slightly dull) female with nothing better to do than indulge an egomaniac interested in experimental drugs. Though raging with intelligence, these folks are often written off as either boring or arrogant – two things that won’t lend themselves to wild nights on the quad and most youthful, ridiculous endeavors for which college exists in the first place.
You might be wondering what’s left? What is it cool to major in? That’s easy. Choose the same way you chose the best university