posted
01/25/11
Editor’s note: We asked Los Angeles-based writer Meredith Hoffa to tell us what movies and television shows get wrong about sex. She did. In hilarious detail. We will never watch Melrose Place reruns the same way again.
1. First-thing-in-the-morning sex
As seen in: Grey’s Anatomy
The sun-dappled sheets, the waking up grinning into each other’s faces, the hushed giggles, the deliciously unhurried lounging. Please. Upon first waking in the morning, I have three urgent, yet basic needs: the need to pee, the need to suck down some caffeine as soon as possible, and, most importantly, the need to not interact with other human beings. Also, I’m not the cutest at this hour; typically an object — often an earring, sometimes a hand — is imprinted into one whole side of my face, flakes of day-old, dried mascara dust my cheeks and my hair is gnarled into a splendid little bird’s nest at the back of my head. You really want a piece of that? I just started typing the sentence “You couldn’t pay me to have sex in this state” but as I was typing it I realized that’s a lie; yes, you could. You could pay me to have sex in this state. But I wouldn’t do it for nothing.
2. Taxi sex
As seen in: Dressed to Kill
My thing about taxis is I need to know that the driver is devoting his full attention to the road, which means that when I’m a passenger, I feel compelled to monitor him to make sure he’s not getting distracted by the radio, not distracted by the little walkie-talkie thing, not falling asleep at the wheel. So the last thing I’m going to do, for god’s sake, is give him yet another distraction in the form of backseat sex. If the driver is watching sex through the rearview mirror it’s safe to say he’s not watching the road, and if he’s not watching the road, I am tense. And who can have sex when they’re tense? Onscreen, though, no one ever seems to consider this. Onscreen, drunk and sober people alike are always lost in the moment, entirely worry-free as they sex it up in the back of a careening taxi being driven by basically no one. Oh god, plus the seatbelts! They’re not even wearing seatbelts. NO.
3. Couch sex
As seen in: Mad Men
In high school, you’d say to your special friend “Let’s rent a movie,” which meant that the two of you would snuggle up on a couch in someone’s slightly mildew-ridden basement, eat Twizzlers, and then, approximately two-thirds of the way through the movie, start fooling around. You would not leave this couch, despite the fact that the doughy cushions were devouring your bodies like quicksand and despite the fact that it was impossible to find a comfortable position or move your limbs. But this was fine because back then you had nowhere else to go. Plus this was fine because you were bad at sex anyway. But why are so many TV and movie grownups having couch sex these days? Why, pray tell? This is a mystery to me. Couch sex is so cramped. So squishy! So rumpled. Plus someone’s going to get a crick in their neck. I say leave couch sex to the high schoolers. Or, like the civilized adult you are, just use the thing as a place to sit while you go back and watch the last third of all those movies you so sluttily never finished.
4. Showers
As seen in: Breathless
I love the way showers equal sex. As if a person taking shower is, in and of itself, an INVITATION to sex. Which apparently it is, because the woman in the shower is never doing a deep conditioning treatment on her hair, never shaving her armpits, never simply taking care of business, but is instead just luxuriating in the wildly sensual feel of the water and waiting for a naked person to join her.
5. Having food licked off you
As seen in: 9 1/2 Weeks
The upsides are obvious, but isn’t it Hollywood‘s responsibility to show the downsides, too? Like acute stickiness. Ticklish partners/laugh attacks. Dairy residue on breasts (pause to vomit). Stomach ache.
COMMENTS
January 31, 2011 1:27 am
crimsonlung
Kennybg, I did google her, shes not “hot,” shes cute, but nothing I would brag home to mama about. Joe, I didn’t say she was a bitch, just very very very inexperienced and probably too uptight to try any of the above. This is my first time on this site and my first comment on this or any of Break.com’s sister sites, and this article disgusted me so much that I actually had to comment on it.
I really hope this poor excuse for a writer decides to resign from this site because frankly, this is an embarrassment to educated writers such as my self, everywhere.
January 30, 2011 12:35 pm
SeenItAll
Laughed all the way through. Meredith, don’t let these young twerps get to you – you nailed it!
Thanks for the giggles!
January 29, 2011 12:38 pm
Muthafukka
WAH WAH WEE WAH!! Some people have NO SENSE OF HUMOR! This writing is hilarious and expertly done! That’s a funny sexy chick writing that. And you commenters are some sad sack muthafukkas.
Meredith Hoffa, I haven’t heard of you before, but I know good comedy writing when I see it! Well done and thanks for the laffs.
January 28, 2011 11:53 pm
mom
She sounds inexperienced and uptight to me and apparently hasn’t found the right man. I’ve engaged in all the scenerios she listed except #2 and #10. My hubby and I have been together 25 years and still enjoy sex in the shower, on the couch (in our home office), in the morning (regularly), in the middle of the night when he comes home unexpectedly early from a business trip, etc. I feel sorry for the author of the article that she is missing some of the more enjoyable parts of life!
January 29, 2011 8:08 am
MrEmC
This broad has it completely wrong. Yes, I said Broad. Yet another example of someone who feels the need to write a piece of fluff in the guise of some Sex and City Carrie rant. You’re wrong. Sure this is a matter of sexual taste, but you are so far from the goal line that it’s not even funny. You are clearly someone who is far too uptight and if in fact you are attractive, what a shame.
January 25, 2011 1:11 pm
adam almighty
sorry but i disagree with almost all of these and i say almost because i stopped reading after the first few made me feel like the writer has no idea of what she writes. maybe she is up tight when it comes to sex or plainly a bitch, but i don’t understand how she has a problem with so many of these. maybe she has only experienced these situations via television. i’m only 25 but i like to think i have my fair share of experiences and have experienced many of the above mentioned scenarios and enjoyed them all as well have my partners. i’m also in a 4 year relationship and engaged and my fiance has enjoyed many of these with me as well. after further consideration i am not only going to assume the writer is a bitch but neurotic as well…who wears a seat belt in the back seat of a taxi, or is so conscientious about things that they can’t live in the moment or the thrill? she is obviously the type of prude female that would only have sex with her husband if it is scheduled in advance.
January 25, 2011 11:50 am
kennybg
Dude, have you googled her? She’s hot. and honestly, what kind of man says that about someone? Maybe the kind of guy who is full of crap about his “few good cunnilingus tours”? Oh– sorry I just threw up in my mouth. I feel so mis-fortuned. maybe you’d like to swirl the vomit on one of your lady friends, in another of your incredible sexual escapades. I’m sure there’s a fetish for that.
January 26, 2011 12:35 am
Joe Donatelli
I know this writer. For the record: She is hot and not a bitch. You may disagree with her opinions. But her hotness and not-bitchiness cannot be called into dispute. @crimsonlung How does one book a cunnilingus tour? On Orbitz?
January 25, 2011 10:01 am
crimsonlung
I’m sorry but this article is obviously written by an unattractive (and most likely obese) sexually inexperienced woman.
I’m a 26 year old male who is moderately attractive (a 6/10 I would say) and I have definitely experienced 70% if not all of the above sexual activities. Morning sex is great, there are men out there that fornicate with donkeys and sheep, what makes you think a woman with bad morning breath and messed up hair is unattractive? MEN DON’T CARE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE IN THE MORNING.
I have had a few good hand jobs in the back of a taxi and have given a few good cunnilingus tours with my index a fair amount of times as well. Usually its 2 in the AM, your on your way from a bar to yours or her house (a hotel if your just traveling) to hopefully bang her on the couch.
Couch sex is not common, I will agree, since the bedroom is usually a 10 foot walk away, but often, men are not as skilled to ask the question “want to take this to this bedroom?”
There is nothing more sensual than shower fourplay, and if the heights of both parties are right, sex is very fun, kind of like having sex in a pool (let me guess, that missed your top 11 list?) Me and my close compadres always share stories of our illicit bathroom behavior, maybe you should try it yourself…
I’m only going to comment on this because this happened to me 3 months ago (and I have the video to prove it) Food and sex are both very pleasurable items, why not bring them together? I have recently had a female lick to-go restaurant mashed potatoes off my genitalia. I received pleasure, and she received satiation, a win win combination.
While I can’t say I have had or have licked toe, I will say I have a close friend who is a foot fetish and know how big the foot fetish community is. Just do a google search on “foot fetish” and you will see the millions of websites catering to this form of sexual deviation.
Sex in the office is fairly common, my past ex used to come over on my lunch breaks for bathroom sex, apparently you have never had anyone to do the same for you, you poor mis-fortuned woman.
I suggest you lose some weight, make yourself attractive, and start dating some real men that know how to please a woman before you start writing articles about something you know absolutely NOTHING about.
June 11, 2011 11:33 am
Thierry in France
How funny, If I was you I would consider changing my job, you are realy out of touch with reality. You need to get a life.
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