What Women Watch

There’s this myth about men – they senselessly roll out of bed, blindly extract clothing from a dusty closet and manage somehow to look stellar while stumbling down the street (Ed. note: not a myth). Women grumble enviously over this, failing to acknowledge that many of these men take great pains to aesthetically pleasure females. Women don’t see them ignorantly fumble, clueless as to how to keep it together.

And women are strange creatures to perform for. They don’t mind sloppy jeans, but they demand pressed shirts. They don’t discriminate against uncombed hair, but they’re ruthlessly picky about haircuts. And however secretly, they are brutally and (maybe even more so than men) judging you. There’s unwritten rules you should never break to keep these judgements at bay, but they won’t bother telling you. Now you’re one of the lucky dudes to actually become privy before falling victim.

Facial Hair
Women vary in their specific preferences of how you shape the fur on your face. What stands pretty solid is the styles they hate. Sideburns, for instance, that crawl too far down the jaw simply resemble stray, hairy slugs wandering dangerously close your mouth. As a general rule, facial hair surrounding the mouth must be justified and well-suited. Moustaches too scraggly seem to encroach on the kissing areas and, after all, that’s the aim so…sacrifice the upper lip clump? It’ll be worth it. Plenty other untamed facial hair is very often found handsome, so long as the man’s face suits the man-in-the-wild or dressed-down-movie-star vibe. Be realistic. Don’t try to convince yourself a handlebar bro unless you’re Daniel Day Lewis in “There Will Be Blood.” But if you can pull it off…

10 Very Good Reasons Why You Should Grow a Giant Beard

Watches
Watches are not necessarily only watched for wealth, but for judgment of a man’s ability to bring attention to detail. If a watch is gaudy and blindingly gold, it may let the lady know that your wallet is stuffed, but that your creative mind is not. Women admire tasteful accessories, something that shimmers discreetly beneath your shirt sleeve. If a man does not wear a watch at all, a woman assumes he is either broke, beligerent or a rambling man void of extraneous possessions. For the most part, it is much better not to wear any watch rather than a plastic, digital crap pile or an overly played piece of steel.

Tattoos
Whatever you decide to forever imprint on your flesh is something worthy of a woman’s eye. This means, if you’ve decided to staple a naked lady (NSFW) to the soft parts of your arm, it may become unlikely to actually get one in your arms. (Let’s not even talk about face tattoos). Women do often find tattoos a source of attraction and these are often tattoos that highlight a man’s best features (see also: ‘Forearms’). Tattoos in foreign languages, exotic symbols and mythological references are appreciated, because they indicate a greater intelligence and emotional sensitivity (…or something) which, for a woman, is a total turn on. Philosophy through ink. It’s a dead win, unless, of course, you screw it up royally.

But unless you’re ripped, most women aren’t thrilled to take note of American flags tattooed to your chest or bulldogs on your backside. Even worse are the faux artsy dicknoses who get Van Gogh’s face scrawled across their legs or indiscreet literary references inked on their shoulders in paragraphs. Don’t be so desperate to show your depth. She needs a motive for pursuance of discovery and you want her to ‘discover’ you.

Sunglasses


The style and shape of shades are a huge tip off for women getting a first glance of a guy. Say she sees you wearing a small, rectangular set resembling Arnold Schwarzenegger’s in The Terminator – she’ll not be sleeping with you. Sunglasses are the most immediately and easily evaluated accessory, because they cover your face and (ideally) bear compliment to the outfit below. Straps attached to your neck are poorly looked upon. Oversized aviators give you the appearance of a D.Bag unaware that what he really looks like is an ancient man returning from having his eyes dialated. If the sunglasses were unmistakably born during an unfortunate period of the 90’s, you’ve got no shot. When they say the 90’s are coming back, they are not referring to sunglasses for men.

Forearms
Many girls are oddly obsessed with that small stretch of arm just between your elbow and your wrist. For some reason, forearms are perused by women as frequently as breasts by men. This is a place women feel signifies a man’s masculinity and, therefore, his desirability. There’s nothing much a man can do to improve his natural endowment in this area, but simply by avoiding terrible and permanent ink drawings put there (see also: ‘tattoos’) you are doing yourself a favor.

Shoes
If a woman glances down at your feet, don’t feel flattered, feel tested. She’s not blushing at your fantastic flirtation, she’s checking out the second most immediate source of judgement – your shoes. If you’ve just run out of the house to grab a six pack and found yourself wearing Tivas, you’re totally screwed (unless of course she digs hikes and organic farming, which does not often make for the hottest female models). Large, white tennis shoes are considered a generic, but forgivable mistake among men. Wingtips are winners. Flip flops are unfortunate, but only if worn without swim trunks more than ten miles away from a beach or similar body of water (Or if you’re just ‘that kinda guy’). Generally, so long as its not Tivas, women will forgive. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t watching.

Haircuts


Ever wonder why a hair salon exists on every block? Women. Women are convinced that the way in which a mop of hair falls dictates a person’s desirability to the world. This means – it should have been a long time since you let your mother cut your hair. Move on to the barber shops who go beyond regular chop jobs. The essence of your style is observed (almost always) in your haircut. Your hair and facial hair should be harmonious in creating a completed, consciously chosen look (See also: Facial Hair). Both long and short hair can be done tastefully. Tasteful ponytails, however, are quite rare. Tasteful mohawks are beside the point. And tasteful mullets don’t exist. It’s true that every man should live freely, without obsessive self awareness, but only if he’s willing to compromise a lot of sex for ten dollar sunglasses, a watch he’s had since fifth grade and a pair of Tivas he never should have owned.

 

 

 

 

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