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Ever wonder why women always seem to be eavesdropping on your chats with the bartender? Well, the truth is, she’s probably judging your drink. Maybe she knows, for example, what drinking whiskey says about you, even more than you do. Or what drinking beer says about you. Or what–shudder–drinking screwdrivers says about you.

Perhaps it’s time to revamp your glass. Or at least evaluate what your cocktail says about you. Here’s what she’s hearing…

What drinking whiskey says about you

Whiskey draws to mind a burly sort. This means that however well-groomed and well-versed you are, you’ve got the soul of a backwoodsman. What does drinking whiskey say about you? Whiskey implies to a woman that you’ve got the hootspa chutzpah to hammer down a door and hang a ceiling fan or, at least, ride a horse. It’s not important that you’re capable of any of these things. It matters more that you’ve got the dark mind, isolated heart and gritted teeth to bear the bitter taste; this is what a woman expects from whiskey. And it’s generally acknowledged that bosses respect whiskey drinkers more so than drinkers of almost any other sort.

What drinking martinis says about you

If you order a martini, you’re practically plastering a sign on your face that reads, “I have good taste. I have good money. I’m exhausted from my high-paying, suit-requiring career.” Martinis are no little thing. It’s not often a woman hears a young man ordering a martini. A martini means specificity, style and a small desire to be James Bond. In fact, it’s wise to only drink martinis straight up if you’ve got such broad shoulders, dashing suits and natural charm. Otherwise, go for on-the-rocks (and non-fruity-flavored types), which will slightly tone down the bold statement and relieve you of feeling watched while you’re sipping. Martinis are a general hit with executives and clients of any kind.

What drinking mojitos says about you

Mojitos can be tricky, because mojitos served at various restaurant often resemble different drinks. If the glass is simply prepped with mint leaves, a lime slice, ice and the drink itself, you should be fine. In fact, this would give an impression of relaxed exoticism (i.e. confident and intriguingly adventurous.) However, if the glass arrives and seems to steal attention from your appearance rather than add to it, meaning that it magnetizes eyes over its frilly, brightly colored features, go the bathroom and drain it as quickly as possible. There’s no need to subject yourself to whispers for sipping what seems to be a peculiar cocktail too flavored to get you favored by onlookers. Unless you are vacationing at a vast beach resort or lunching at an ethnic restaurant, try to avoid the mojito if you want to meet women.

What drinking screwdrivers says about you

No beautiful woman ever starts the story of how she met her husband with these words. “I saw him across the bar, drinking a screwdriver…” No boss ever clasped his prize employee’s shoulder and toasted their screwdrivers.

What drinking gin and tonic says about you

Gin and tonics are definitely a step up from the screwdriver. Even if only because they do not contain a fruit juice but instead a bitter liquor and seltzer water, because they look elegant and are served in stylishly simple glasses, and because they call to mind a man who appreciates an easy time inebriating himself without under-appreciating the process. Gin and tonics are the B version James Bond (or James Bond on his day off in a dark saloon.) Gin and tonics are fairly nondescript, because a large collection of younger kids, women, ancient men and even depressed mothers drink them. This means you aren’t trapped in anyway, but you also haven’t made any kind of dashing statement, which means more work for you.

What drinking a godfather says about you

There’s not much explanation necessary for the godfather. When women discover what’s in the drink they’ll raise an eyebrow, and maybe later their skirts. When your boss hears you order it, he’ll raise an eyebrow and possibly your position in the company. The godfather, a solid and simple combination of one part scotch, one part amaretto, says you like it strong, with a kick and close to ‘much too intense for everybody else.’ The godfather makes you a standalone man, not only because many people rarely order them these days, but because you’ve managed to put a classic (scotch), with a semi-eccentric (amaretto). This means good things all around. Moreover, you can drink a godfather in a tux, tattered jeans or denim jacket and it won’t matter. The drink itself speaks so highly of you and your undeniable, masculine strengths, that to fret over your clothes would undermine everything.

What drinking beer says about you

Founding Father Ben Franklin is quoted as saying, “Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” That’s what women see in handsome guys drinking brews. They see proof that God exists. And that he wants everyone in the bar to be happy. Sooner, rather than later.