Of all the myriad timekeeping devices available in the world – sun dials, hourglasses, your girlfriend’s deafeningly loud biological clock – the wristwatch remains the easiest, most portable and least creepy way to tell time. It’s probably the first thing you put on in the morning, and it’s also probably responsible for that weird tan you got the last time you were in Aruba. But despite its ubiquity, time-telling wrist ornaments aren’t nearly revered enough for their ability to offer an instant look behind the scenes of your psyche. If you’re in the market for a watch – or if you just want to snag a quick personality profile without having to spend hours on a Myers-Briggs test – then let us reveal to you the real statement you’re making with your wristwear.
Whether you buy a luxe watch for the fine craftsmanship or the bragging rights, you are a man who has opulent tastes and an interest (however fleeting) in being fashionable, as long as ‘fashionable’ equates to ‘covered in labels’. Just remember that a high price tag and recognizable name does not guarantee quality in anything (accessories, vehicles, escorts, and so on). You’re best suited to a profession that involves high stakes and high dividends, and while you need a woman by your side who appreciates the finer things in life, you also need someone who can hold her own in a conversation with your colleagues and isn’t into you just for your cash flow.
When hunting for a timepiece worthy of your high-rolling lifestyle (and its sky-high price tag), remember that ‘made in small quantities entirely by hand’ sounds a whole lot better than ‘made in Taiwan,’ so don’t be so dazzled by marketing that you forget to look for quality craftsmanship. Your best bets are watches that feature quartz movement (the most accurate) and synthetic sapphire crystal (the most eye-catching; mineral crystal is better for watches that need to withstand some wear and tear). You can’t go wrong with a classic leather band or sleek stainless steel number, but if you want your watch to double as a conversation starter, pick something wildly colorful that screams trendy or a throwback with a modern touch. Of course, if pricey novelty is your thing, then look no further than Piaget; not only do they make damn fine timepieces, but they corner the market on ‘unique timelessness’, if that’s even a thing. It is wise, however, to avoid anything diamond-encrusted, lest the community mistake you for one who deals in sex trafficking.
If you’re more drawn to the watches of our fathers than the watches of our rappers, then you’re probably a reliable fellow who values consistency, tradition and timelessness over flash and tomfoolery. While these are all desirable attributes, just be sure not to mistake ‘stuck in a rut’ for ‘love of routine’. Once you reach that comfortable, familiar place in jobs and relationships, you might have a tendency to stick with things well past their expiration dates to maintain the status quo.
As far as your writsly baubles are concerned, look to brands like Rolex, Tag Heuer and Ralph Lauren for a range of iconic styles that recall the days when men were men and scotch was a socially acceptable breakfast beverage. You can’t really choose a bad classic – after all, your style translates from board room to bar stool effortlessly – but just to keep everyone on their toes, why not throw in something a little more adventurous every once in a while?
Contrary to what some may think, eschewing big and little hands in favor of flashing LED numbers is not lazy, it’s practical. You’re a guy who wants what he wants when he wants it. You and your digital watch are both concerned with ease and efficiency, which is why you work so well together: no muss, no fuss, (mostly) accurate timekeeping. Heaven. You thrive in fast-paced work environments that give you clear objectives and standards by which to measure success, and you need a lady who gets to the point (instead of talking around the issue) and has some amount of direction in life.
In the interest of Keeping It Simple, you’ll want a watch that serves its purpose and doesn’t get in the way of your busy life. You can summon the ‘80s with a reliable and affordable Timex Indiglo, Macarena back to the ‘90s with a boyband-a-riffic Casio Baby G (apparently what’s old is new again), or avoid old news altogether with Diesel’s in-the-face time-telling cuff (time + rock + roll = the future). If, however, art and ridiculously bright colors are more up your alley, then snap up an Alessi Daytimer, designed by a pair of architects whose thirst to create clearly wasn’t quenched by billion-foot-tall skyscrapers.
You of the merched-up watch clan have a simple M.O.: gadgets and gizmos aplenty. In fact, you were probably a champion of the laserdisc player in the ‘90s and have already invested in a few dozen iPads for yourself and your nearest and dearest. With such a propensity for owning the latest technology, we’re betting you don’t just have one souped-up watch in your collection; rather, you probably have one for every activity, from stargazing to catching up on your stories. Get yourself into a profession that prizes innovation and creativity (and funds your insatiable gadget addiction), and get yourself a girl who’s eager to let you show her the techie ropes (but not interested in besting you at your patented game of Race to the Techno Finish Line). Just watch yourself (hey! Pun!) with the tricked-out timepieces, as they tend to clash with three-piece suits (unless you’re Bruce Wayne, in which case you’ll need all of those bells and whistles to save everyone from imminent danger regardless of your wardrobe choices). Sometimes you need to be just the teensiest bit understated, both in life and in fashion, so purchase something more subdued to wear for black tie occasions and important business meetings.
Of course, some bells and whistles are both fun and functional, like Garmin’s GPS ‘personal trainer’ watch or Citizen’s Promaster Carbon A-T, a diving watch that features both digital and analog display, atomic timekeeping (a fancy way of saying ‘connects to satellites around the globe several times a day’), and water resistance up to 666 feet. Not gourmet enough for you? Blancpain’s Special Anniversary Edition 500 Fathoms dive watch will set you back nearly $10,000, but it’s probably worth it to feel like an elite member of a special ops team.
Pocket watches have been revealing the truth about their owners since they were invented sometime in the 16th century, as they were so expensive that only the fanciest of the fancy could afford to own them, and subsequently pass them down to generations of fancypantses who’d then flaunt said watches to snag high-society tail. While the pocket watch no longer signifies membership in the Landed Gentry Club, it does carry with it a certain je ne sais quois that hints at sophistication and find breeding. Or, for those of us who knew a pocket watch-toting popinjay in high school, a little bit of weirdness. Those of you who prefer the pocket watch are nevertheless refined sophisticates who desire stimulating discourse, pleasant aesthetics and the occasional Brandy Alexander, so align yourselves with other like-minded individuals, both professionally and personally, so as to minimize your time mingling with the commoners. If your pocket watch is a family heirloom, then you’re probably prone to sentimentality; own it, and revel in the fact that you’ll be able to pass your watch down to your son one day.
Multitudes of pocket watches can be found online, but to really honor tradition, check with elderly family members to see if anyone has an old heirloom lying around. Unlike family feuds, broken pocket watches are seldom irreparable.
Do you dedicate precious minutes each morning to matching your watch to your Hypercolor Members’ Only jacket? Are you desperately concerned that some child with a pension for Justin Bieber’s inexcusable machismo might have outbid you on that sweet novelty slapwatch you found on Ebay? If so, then you are either a hipster (SHOW YOURSELVES, CLOWNS) pretending not to see the irony in his extremely un-hipster-like desire to discover what his fashion choices say about him, or you’re a fan of trendy or whimsical items because they have the potential to showcase facets of your quirky personality that would otherwise go undetected by the unwashed masses. (Let’s hope you lean more towards the latter.) You’re a fun-loving dude who knows that sometimes life requires you to be a little silly, so you’re well-suited to any profession that can accommodate your sharp wit and pension for goofing off. You’re probably also skilled at planning wackadoo social excursions, a talent that lends itself swimmingly to weeding out the boring chicks from the ones who just might be The One.
For those of you who hate people looking over your shoulder to check the time, Tokyo Flash’s Barcode watch tells the time incomprehensibly (but it looks super rad). Nixon’s Newton is a bit more understated (if you consider bright purple an understatement), but for the aspiring spy in all of us, Nooka’s Zub Zirc looks far more like a go go gadget… gadget than a wristwatch, which is awesome for looking fly, but possibly not awesome for arriving at your destination on time.