Although it would seem that we’re all about assaulting Wall Street executives, what with our violent and awesome URL, the truth is we prefer a calmer approach to dealing with some of the nastiness on the Street. However, all non-punching options seemed to go out the window when it was confirmed yesterday that, yes, Dick Fuld CEO of Lehman Brothers was punched square in the face while working out at the gym.
The incident occurred shortly after Lehman announced it was filing for bankruptcy a few weeks ago. An employee who had been pumping iron at the Lehman gym responded to the news by walking up to Mr. Fuld, who was on a treadmill equipped with a heart monitor at the time, and laid a solid haymaker right in his smug mug. Dick was down for the count. (video confirmation from two senior sources) So if Dick deserved one, who else does?
It would be horrible to insinuate that someone should go through with any of these unwarranted attacks but here’s our “purely hypothetical” list of the Top 5 Wall Streeters who deserve a solid cold-cocking:
5.) Martin Sullivan, A.I.G.
Marty here wasn’t even the current CEO when AIG asked for an $85 billion emergency bailout loan from the U.S. government. He was forced out in June of 08, but still managed an additional $15 million severance package. He also benefited from a board-approved change in the way bonuses were calculated. This change got him a nice little $5 million cash bonus.
Marty’s punch to the face will probably come from the most recent AIG CEO, Robert Willumstad, who was cleaning up Sullivan’s mess while he was forced to decline his own $22 million exit package when the Treasury took over. Revenge is a dish best served with some broken teeth.
4.) Jim Cramer, CNBC
To be totally honest, I like Jim Cramer a lot. I think he’s pretty funny and I always have a good time when I watch his show, Mad Money, on CNBC. How can you hate a guy who has the balls to put his face in Erin Burnett’s rack?
Nonetheless I think Cramer deserves a right hook for what he’s been up to the past two days. First he goes on the Today Show and tells all the uninformed, non-financially savvy viewers that they need to sell all their stocks right away because it’s a disaster outside! He was pretty explicit about it, even answering questions from Anne Curry explaining that even at the risk of a massive loss, everyone should sell. Later that night he tried to claim it was all a big misunderstanding. Dude, come on!
3.) Samuel Israel III, Bayou Hedge Fund
Compared to the other big names on this list, Israel is kind of a small fry who pulled a big scam. He defrauded his hedge fund’s investors out of $450 million and fled the scene right before his scheduled jail time. We talked about Israel’s exciting time running from the law a lot and it helped us take our minds off the worsening recession, if only for a moment.
All the treachery and deceit aside, the main reason Israel deserves a mouthful of fist is because he made friggin’ beards look bad! He should have stuck to his hairless look, it’s a lot easier on the knuckles of the people who hate you when they are trying to make good contact with your face.
2.) Jimmy Cayne, Bear Stearns
Jimmy Cayne, former Bear Stearns CEO, had the foresight to sell his stake of Bear Stearns shares for $61 million right before the company collapsed and was bought by JP Morgan in March. Don’t forget Cayne was unreachable via email or cell phone the weekend of the company’s collapse because he was at a bridge tournament in Nashville. Bridge! You’d think he was some old card playing granny, but this is the same guy who admitted publicly that he sometimes smokes marijuana at the end of tournament sessions. How has this guy not be punched yet? I don’t even understand this!
1.) Angelo Mozilo, Countrywide
Mozilo is the ABSOLUTE KING of rich old dudes who need to get punched in the face. First off, just look at this guy’s severely orange complexion due to excessive tanning. When he was not busy trying to resemble an oompa loompa, he spent his time starting Countrywide Home Loans from the ground up. Sure, he sounds like a very industrious businessman, but you’ll probably start clenching your fist with rage when you hear how his predatory lending practices were basically the epitome of the subprime mortgage crisis that has us all so screwed these days. (It was also voted #1 WORST company in America, congrats!)
On top of all that, Mozilo doesn’t know how to use his e-mail properly and once accidentally replied directly to a customer’s complaint by calling the guy ‘disgusting’. How can someone that is that much of a moron AND an asshole not have been punched in the face already? I have a feeling there are thousands of foreclosed home owners across the country getting ready for the day they see Mozilo on the street.
Think this is all a little too harsh? Or did we leave anyone off the list? Let us know in the comments section or give me some feedback at: sdalton at break dot com.
Also, if you’re still in the mood for more ‘hating on rich douches’ check out “The 10 Highest Paid CEOS And Their Most Embarrassing Photos”