There’s been a lot of high profile cheating lately – Jesse James and Tiger Woods have thrown in their respective towels. They risked divorce, and in this case, both of them got it to. And they did it to bed women who the tabloids and public at large rate as significantly lower caliber ladies than Elin Nordegren or Sandra Bullock respectively. Why? Why did they cheat down? Well, Dr. Ish Major, author of "Little White Whys" has some insight on that. Listen up.
Do all men lie?
Yes and No. At some point in their lives all men have lied to a woman. The natural process of maturity should occur as men age and that maturity allows us to be more comfortable with who we are and who others (women) are and as such generally reduces the amount of lies we feel compelled to tell if any. I say ‘natural process of maturity’ which for some men can take a LONG time to manifest…if ever. So, have all men lied…yes! Do all men lie, no…just the majority of those who are still actively dating.
Why do they lie in relationships?
Most men I’ve interviewed say it’s because they feel like they must in order to get what they want from a woman. It’s a question of control. Men are goal oriented and results driven. Relationships are no different. We want results! Men lie to women in relationships because they want to shape the outcome or result of any given situation. To tell the truth would mean men would have to trust the woman to process the situation, weigh her options, then decide if she will or will not agree to whatever it is we’re wanting her to agree to at that particular time. Telling the truth arms women with information that would allow them to make an informed decision. Telling the truth means men would have to then trust a woman to use her own judgement in a situation involving us (men). Telling women the truth in affect represents giving women control in that relationship. Most men are…uncomfortable…with that idea. Most men would rather be able to reasonably predict the outcome of all relationship decisions by helping ‘shape’ the truth for women.
Why did Jesse James end up lying to/cheating on one of the most attractive women in the world?
It’s not a question of how attractive Sandra is. The most insanely beautiful women get cheated on all the time! I tell people all the time that for every beautiful woman in the world there is at least one guy (ex boyfriend or ex husband) who wants absolutely nothing more to do with her! It’s more a question of why men and women cheat and whom they cheat with. If you notice, women never cheat with a man who is ‘less than’ the man she already has. He is usually a man of similar or more means, similar or more attractiveness, similar or more agreeable temperament. Women cheat with the idea that if the current relationship ends they will be able to transition smoothly to the next relationship with as little disruption as possible in their lifestyle. Women cheat with the idea that the next man will be able to meet her needs better than or at least just as good as her current guy. Women never ‘cheat down’. Men however, cheat for entirely different reasons. Men cheat for sex…usually. It can also be for attention, adoration, to feel important or wanted again. But usually it’s for sex. Which means men routinely ‘cheat down’! If you notice when men cheat it is almost never with a woman who is as attractive as the one he currently has. It is never with a woman who is as stable emotionally and or financially as the woman he currently has. For a man cheating is not about transitioning smoothly to anything because most men have no intention of ever seriously committing to a woman they cheat with. Cheating for men is about meeting a need! Period. Once that need is met he will be able to return home and focus on his girlfriend/wife/family. Men are excellent at compartmentalizing emotions and desires and putting them inside a tidy little shelf somewhere in their brain. Sex is just one of those desires. Once the need is met we no longer have to think about it. For recent proof look at Tiger, look at Jesse, look at Governor Sanford…Senator Edwards?
All ‘cheated down’.
Do women act the same way? Why?
Again, no. Women and men cheat for entirely different reasons. Women cheat across. Men cheat down. I call this my ‘Tic Tac Toe’ theory of cheating
Does men being liars mean that it’s impossible to have an honest relationship?
I don’t think it’s impossible. But for men who are still in the ‘dating’ mode it’s highly unlikely. I put the burden on the women here and try to teach them in my coaching program to recognize the signs of men who are still just dating as opposed to those men who have matured emotionally and are confident and secure enough to proceed into a relationship without having to lie to manipulate the situation or outcome. The signs are clear but women typically don’t want to believe what they see. Women have a natural nurturing tendency; as such it makes them want to believe and hope for the best in people (men in particular). It is at once their most endearing and endangering quality!
What should women do to prevent being Jesse James’d?
They must pay attention to the obvious. Women get cheated on when they fail to do three things.
Women fail to pay attention to their guys’ history. In the case of Sandra and Jesse, she should have closely examined the types of women he’s dated/married before her. Every woman Jesse has gone for prior (and unfortunately after) Sandra has been…shall we say…edgy! They have been the ‘bad girl’ to his ‘bad boy’ image. Sandra, while beautiful in her own right, was a great departure from that! Here’s the truth. Leopards don’t change their spots and neither do men. We like what we like and that doesn’t change. Tastes evolve as we mature but the undercurrent of who a person is and what they really like remains constant.
Women fail to pay attention to a man’s actions! Men tell by doing not by saying. I tell women in my program all the time “Believe all of what men do and nothing of what they say!” If a man’s actions are matching up with what he’s telling you then it’s ok to believe him and proceed accordingly in the relationship. The moment a woman says ‘I just don’t know where he’s coming from sometimes’ means his actions and words aren’t matching up and he’s hiding something from her. Her job is to figure out what that is!
Don’t compromise on what you really want. What happens a lot of times is that women will meet a guy and he may not have all the characteristics she is looking for but if one or two are there or one or two are overwhelmingly positive, women will often times overlook the rest that is lacking. Again, it goes to their nurturing nature. Women want to help us grow and fill in our blanks as men. They hope in the end that we will be appreciative of them for it. It also feeds her ego as well because if she can do this for you then that means she’s a great woman! Unfortunately neither of these things regularly come true. So I tell women to stick to their guns early and be realistic about what they really want in a man and in a relationship and anyone who is not coming pretty close (80%) to what you want…move on. Often times women compromise and the relationship may stay together long term…but the question becomes how happy are you really? There are a lot of unhappily married people out there and often times the reason is they sacrificed things that were really important to them in a mate early only to realize that the partner didn’t change later.
How should we not just ask questions, but ‘ask the right ones?’
I tell women not to fall for a ‘Noman’! A ‘no-man’ is similar to a nomad in that he has no job, no home and no transportation! That all equals no future for the two of you!
The right questions are those that will matter long term. The typical stuff, favorite foods, favorite colors, favorite thing to do to relax, are important too but mean very little in the grand scheme of things. What women need to know are:
Are you married?
Have you ever been married?
Do you have any children? (That you see often)
Do you like children?
Are you close to your mother?
Are you working?
Do you have a home?
What a woman needs to do is get to the heart of who this man is. These are just a few sample questions that help start this process. While these questions are very basic they are extremely difficult to ask directly and often times go unasked.
Men know that women want a man who is ambitious, responsible and accountable. These questions will give him the opportunity to brag about himself without coming off as arrogant or ego driven. Men who are serious about you LOVE it when you ask them these questions. They get visibly excited because they know how much you’re going to like their answers. Men who have something to hide respond to these questions with something far less than excitement…the word ‘dread’ comes to mind.
The other caveat here is that some (ok most) men will lie when asked these questions. I tell women that’s ok; you’re not really interested in the words he’s saying but more his reaction to the question. Men express feeling and emotion through body language. Look at his body language both when you ask and when he attempts to answer the question. That will tell you if he’s lying or not!
Tell us about the importance of the first three conversations, and how we ought to navigate them.
A man will subtly reveal to a woman his plans for her (and this relationship) over their first three conversations. It’s where he sets the ground rules. So if a woman is really paying attention she will get clued in very early. A guy might say for example:
‘I get up for work really early’ or ‘I work nights’…translation…don’t expect to hear from me at night or late evenings.
‘I’m not a really big talker on the phone’…translation…I’ll text you when I want to see you.
‘I don’t really like big crowds, I prefer to get to know people more one on one…translation…we won’t be going out much (if ever) most of our time will be spent at my place or yours.
“I never really sleep well with someone in my bed’…translation…do not expect to spend the night at my place.
Now these sample blurbs are those of a man who is subtly (or not so subtly) trying to set the ground rules for the classic ‘booty call’. If he’s skilled he won’t introduce these lines all at once but slowly over time as those first three conversations allow.
The way for a woman to navigate these first three conversations is to have her goals for meeting, getting to know and dating someone ready. She must let him know her expectations! This will let that guy know up front what the price (time and effort) will be for getting to know her. If he feels her price is too high for what he’s looking for…believe me…he’ll move on quickly. Often times, women don’t share their expectations because they don’t want to scare the guy away. But I tell women it just saves time and heart ache. Better to be open and honest early than closed off and disappointed later.