A recent study commissioned by Lifestyles condoms has suggested that women in the U.S. are more likely to want to have sex than to dilly dally around with any silly flowers, or gifts. For once, ladies, we can agree on something fundamental. Here’s what Lifestyles says:

According to a nationwide survey commissioned by the makers of Lifestyles(r) Condoms ("LifeStyles") and conducted by Harris Interactive(r), U.S. women are more likely to want to have sex than receive cards, flowers, chocolates, jewelry and lingerie on Valentine’s Day – which coincidently shares its date with National Condom Day. In fact, LifeStyles estimates that 87 condoms are used each second in the U.S. on Valentine’s Day.

If you’re a logical man, you’re likely thinking that this is a false dichotomy, and that a truly good mate would shower his beloved with all manner of packages both turgid and floral. Good point. But, we suggest a hybridization of the two – a marriage of gift-giving philosophies designed to put you in a position (physically and mentally) for some mind-blowing holiday sex. Try these approaches:


Instead of buying her a massage, give her one. But don’t just give her a shoulder rub-down while you’re watching pirated DVDs of “Duckman” (though, that show is brilliant). Buy some legitimate massage oil, turn the lights down, and rent a real massage table. Of course, depending on how patient you are, there’s also the option of getting a less-than-legitimate massage oil (here) and a less-than-legitimate massage table (here).

Put a ring on it

Get her a ring. But not one of those expensive ones made of gilded, rare stones. Get her one that vibrates. You can get a relatively discreet vibrating condom base in your local grocery store (2010 is pretty cool) eschewing a nervous trip to the adult novelty store where you will almost certainly run into your it-turns-out-sexy-boss.

Dinner and a movie (kinda)

Instead of dinner and a movie, do dinner and do a movie. What we mean is, you could can always go out to dinner and go to a movie, but a holiday devoted to romance suggests you ought to put a little more love into it. So make her dinner, but don’t make anything too heavy, and make sure to serve up plenty of wine. Because, after, you’re going to make a movie. You know.  A secret movie. If you don’t have a point and shoot that records 720p video, that’s ridiculous, get one. You will also probably need the lights on, and you might even consider this waterproof HD helmet cam if things get really interesting. Just remember to keep it somewhere safe, like the glove box: