The world is either going to end via zombie of vampire apocalypse. The internet has essentially proven this to be true. So, when the Big Day comes, you need to be ready. You’ve been preparing for years mentally by looking at all those sexy vampire chicks, but now you need to train your body to withstand the upcoming threat. Here’s the workouts you need to survive the vampire apocalypse.
Work your triceps for maximum stabbiness
When the suckockalypse comes down, you’re going to need to defend yourself from the point-mouthed foes you will inevitably face until the day of your grisly demise. And, as we all know, one of the most fool-proof ways to take down a vampire. But to put a wooden stake through a man’s chest, you can’t be a sissy. It’s going to take a minimum force of about 150 pounds per square inch. Depending on how sharp your stick is, that could be most of your body weight. To maximize your stabbing ability, you’ll need strong triceps.
Workout: Do a simple tricep dib by putting your hands on a coffee table, and extending your feet out in front of you tow the floor. Lower are raise your body using only your arms – do 2-3 sets of 8-12 reps
Shoulder and neck strengthening
You’re basically a big, wet bag of weak points when it comes to vampire attack. But, historically, they’ve favored biting us humans on the neck (or, inner thigh if you’re a sexy young coed). You’ll need to keep your neck strong and limber. To do so, use these strengthening exercises used by boxers to keep their heads on a very strong swivel.
Workout: Basically, you’re going to be doing situps with just your head. Lay down so that your entire body is supported (by a couch or weight bench) allowing your head to hang freely. In a slow, controlled movement, lower your head down, then raise it back up. You’ll do the same while laying on your side and front. Since you head isn’t (likely) very heavy, you’ll want to do 3-4 sets of 10-15 reps to keep those bloodsuckers at bay.
Vampires are not endurance athletes. You’re never going to run away from a vampire at a 7 minute mile pace, slowly wearing him down until he gives up. They’ve got explosive speed and so should you have, if you wish to survive the vampocalypse. Follow these sprinting techniques to improve your short-distance bursts of speed keeping you out of fang’s way.
Workout: Some coaches will tell you to use a speed parachute, but when the world descends into permanent night, you’ll be just as well off by tying an old tire to your waist. Set up a 40 meter course and alternately sprint the 40 meters, frog-hop the 40 meters, and high knee the 40 meters. Drag the tire throughout, and repeat until exhaustion (only twice a week max).
Increase your balance
In a world of eternal night, you’re going to have to be much more savvy about keeping your footing, hiding in strange or uncomfortable places, and leaping through and around obstacles parkour style. All of this requires an exceeding sense of balance. Yours can be improved, but it takes time, so start as soon as you can to avoid tipping into a ravenous vamp-maw.
Workout: Perform your regular weight routine, when possible, on top of a stability ball (here). You will also benefit from purchasing and using regularly a balance board – try using this while watching TV until you can do it without thinking at all.
Focus your mind and avoid temptation
While those of us who have never tangled with a vampire before are somewhat unsure of their exact appearance, there is at least some school of thought that thinks they’re sparkly-skinned, impossibly beautiful, impeccably dressed undead killing machines. One of the best ways to maintain this single-minded survivalist mentality is through meditation.
Workout: For 20 minutes when you wake up and for 20 minutes before you go to sleep, perform the following. Find a quiet, safe place, light a candle, and stare into the light. Think of nothing other than breathing. If you find your mind wandering to other topics, bring it back to your conscious breathing. It takes some getting used to, but after a week or so, you’ll have a much clearer, much safer mindset.
Practice evasive maneuvers
Getting around, on top of, over, under and through your environment will be key to your avoidance of flocks of deadly nightmare-men that will be descending on you from every corner of your inky new hellscape. What’s the best way to beat them? Monkeyrolls.
Workout: You’ll need two friends for this one. Line up, then the middle monkey choose a side, drops to the ground, and rolls toward it. That side’s monkey jumps over the middle and rolls toward the other side. The third monkey jumps him and rolls toward the first in a sort of braid. You’ve to be able to get up and get down fast. Go as long as you can.